christopher shaun kainaw wagner

Viv & Merlyn

A One-Act Play by CS Wagner
Copyright ©2003 CS Wagner
Last Edit: 2004-12-07

If you so desire, you may perform this play royalty free. If you do so, I would greatly appreciate it if you email me.

Characters

Merlyn: A man who has lived for many more years than he appears. He lives backwards through time, having experienced much of the future, but having only read about the past. He reads many magazines and newspapers to keep up on the past that everyone else has experienced.
Viv: A rather average woman in retail sales. Others consider her eccentric because she is willing to say anything that comes to mind. She is in her work dress/suit with a nametag that says "VIV".

The Play

A single table on the sidewalk in front of a cafe. There is an entrance to the cafe near the table.

MERLYN is sitting at a table with a drink and a newspaper. There is an empty seat at his table. VIV enters from the cafe doors with a drink.

Viv: Excuse me, is this seat taken?
Merlyn: Of course not.
Viv: I mean, it is a nice day and I wanted to sit outside and with only one table this was the only seat open so I...
Merlyn: Please sit. I was saving it just for you.
Viv: Thanks. (sits) My name is...
Merlyn: (Cuts her off) Vivienne. Yes, I know.
Viv: (Pauses, trying to recognize Merlyn) Have we met before?
Merlyn: Yes and no. For me, yes. For you, no. That is, as far as I know.
Viv: I don't understand.
Merlyn: I'm sorry, I'm never very good at these times. I just sort of get disconnected. (He folds his paper and puts it in his satchel. He then offers a handshake to VIV.) Nice to meet you Vivienne. My name is Merlyn.
Viv: (Suppressing a giggle) The magician?
Merlyn: (Annoyed) No. I'm not a magician. I don't really understand how Terence got that I'm a magician. To be honest, I have never met him and I doubt I ever will, but somehow I guess that I must or he wouldn't have written all that dribble.
Viv: It was a joke.
Merlyn: Oh yes, of course. It is always a joke. So tell me, how many people meet you and say, "Oh, Vivienne, out of the lake I take it. Handing out swords, rapiers, scimitars? Where's Excalibur? Can I see it, pretty please?"
Viv: I don't understand.
Merlyn: Vivienne... Excalibur... The Lady in the Lake... Her name was Vivienne.
Viv: Really?
Merlyn: Yes, really.
Viv: That is so cool. You're Merlyn, not the magician, and I'm the Lady in the Lake, sans Excalibur. Oh, I wonder if there's a Lancelot around. Isn't he supposed to be the best knight of them all?
Merlyn: If you had done your reading, you would know that his son, Galahad, was the best knight.
Viv: You know, you sound just like Mr. Emrys.
Merlyn: Who?
Viv: My sixth grade English teacher, Mr. Emrys. He made us read all kinds of King Arthur books, like that is supposed to help us learn real English. Then, we had to do Shakespeare. Then, we finally had one good book, "The Princess Bride." Have you read it?
Merlyn: I'm really not into Morgenstern.
Viv: Who?
Merlyn: You didn't read the book, did you?
Viv: Honestly, no. But the movie had enough in it to get an A on the test. It didn't matter anyway because Mr. Emrys only wanted us to talk about the stories like they were real, not just fairy tales. You know, take them seriously.
Merlyn: He sounds like a very good teacher.
Viv: Anyway, you're both rather weird.
Merlyn: From a magician to plain weird, is that a step up or down?
Viv: I don't know. It is just that you sort of make sense, but you don't.
Merlyn: I guess you could call it weird. I think of it like watching a left-handed person write. They bend their arm all around and concentrate so hard. It is like that trying to carry on a conversation when you remember what is to be said but not what was said.
Viv: I don't understand. You're saying that you're left-handed?
Merlyn: No. That's not the point. It is simple. Most people are right-handed, correct?
Viv: Yes, I guess.
Merlyn: Well, a few are left-handed, correct?
Viv: You said that wasn't the point. Where is this going?
Merlyn: Always so impatient. It's no wonder I never asked you out on a date.
Viv: That's rude.
Merlyn: I'm sorry, let me get you a fresh drink.

MERLYN quickly gets up and goes into the cafe

Viv: (Trying to stop him) No, really, I don't need one. (To herself) I've barely started this one.

MERLYN returns with a new drink for her. He sits it on the table in front of her, then changes his mind and moves it to the other side of the table. He sits.

Viv: I told you that I didn't need a new drink.
Merlyn: Just give it a minute.
Viv: (Getting her purse) At least let me pay for it.

As she gets money from her purse, she knocks her drink into her lap

Merlyn: There you go. Now here's your new drink.
Viv: How did you... Wait. If you didn't buy that for me I wouldn't have got my purse out and I wouldn't have spilled my drink. So, you didn't know I needed a new drink, really. Did you?
Merlyn: Do you believe in fate?
Viv: You mean how everything is predestined and we can't change it?
Merlyn: For the most part, but that isn't exactly true. You see, the overall pattern of the future is predestined. The particulars aren't. The further from now you get, the fuzzier it all is. For instance, if I didn't buy you that drink and you didn't get your purse out, you probably would have spilled your drink for an entirely different reason, but in the end your lap would be wet none-the-less.
Viv: Are you saying that you can see the future?
Merlyn: Remember is more like it.
Viv: OK, you are getting psycho now. I think it is time for me to get back to work.
Merlyn: It isn't psycho. It is just rare. Far more rare than being left-handed, I admit, but not totally uncommon.
Viv: Hey, there's a reason why psychic and psycho are such similar words. I've seen them on TV and I know how it works. You call and the first thing they ask is, "What's your name? What's your credit card number?" If they are so psychic, they should already know.
Merlyn: I never said I was psychic.
Viv: Well, you want me to believe that you knew my name before I told you. You knew I was going to spill my drink. You just said you knew the future. Don't try to cop out of it now.
Merlyn: Your name is on your nametag. I just knew that Viv was short for Vivienne, that's all. As you said, you spilled your drink because I bought you one. I didn't say I knew the future, I said I remembered it. You see, my whole life is a bit left-handed. Where you live from yesterday to tomorrow, I live from tomorrow to yesterday.
Viv: I don't understand.
Merlyn: I would greatly appreciate it if you never ever said that again.
Viv: I'm sorry, but that makes no sense. How can you live from tomorrow to yesterday.
Merlyn: Just like going from right to left or left to right. I go from tomorrow to yesterday. I was born, or will be born, a long time into your future, 2169 to be exact. I have been going backwards in time ever since then.
Viv: Impossible. You'd be, let me see, one hundred, then fifty, no sixty... at least 150 years old.
Merlyn: In 2048, a cure for aging will be invented and perfected well before 2100. I took it many years ago and it has greatly slowed my aging process. At this rate, I expect to live until about the year 400.
Viv: Wait. Stop. This is too weird. Either you are a real psycho or this is the worst pickup line I've ever heard.
Merlyn: I already explained that I'm not a psycho and it is not the worst pickup line you've ever heard.
Viv: Yes, you're right. "How would you like to sit on my face and wiggle until one of us bleeds?" is by far the worst pickup line I've ever heard.
Merlyn: I know.

They pause and drink, trying to think of something to say.

Viv: The lottery!
Merlyn: Excuse me?
Viv: What's next week's lottery numbers?
Merlyn: I don't know.
Viv: Ha! You don't know the future.
Merlyn: What were last week's numbers?
Viv: I don't know.
Merlyn: Ha! You don't know the past.
Viv: That's ridiculous. Nobody remembers old lottery numbers.
Merlyn: Exactly.

VIV is slightly offended and tries to ignore MERLYN. MERLYN goes back to his reading. After a brief pause, VIV quickly tries another question.

Viv: When do I...
Merlyn: (Cutting her off with a raised hand, not looking at her) You don't want to know.
Viv: How do you know what I want?
Merlyn: (Putting his paper down) Everyone thinks that they want to know when they will die. What if you did know? How would that really help you? If you knew you were going to die tonight, you wouldn't be here enjoying your lunch. You'd probably be curled up in bed trying to figure a way out of your fate.
Viv: I'm not going to die tonight am I?
Merlyn: I seriously doubt it.
Viv: Do you know when you will die?
Merlyn: Not exactly, but I have a clue. You see, with all the annoyance of living backwards in time, there is a side benefit of being able to read about the past that I haven't experienced yet. According to legend, I will spend a thousand years trapped in a glass tower. Then, I will have a wild affair with the Lady of the Lake. That leads to my stint with King Arthur through all his trying times. Finally, I help his father get it on with his friend's wife. From there, the legend ends. I assume that's when I die.
Viv: Those are just stories. There isn't a real Lady of the Lake or King Arthur.
Merlyn: They are just stories right now because they are so far off in time. You see, everything that happens around now is rather exact. You go back a few years, or forward for that matter, things start to get fuzzy. For instance, what did you have for dinner on this day last year?
Viv: I don't remember.
Merlyn: You don't remember because it isn't exact anymore. You could have had just about anything, but what you had has no concrete effect on now, so it is fuzzy.
Viv: I sort of see what you are saying. I only remember the stuff that makes what is happening now happen the way it is happening. Right?
Merlyn: Exactly. And the farther you go back or forward in time, the more fuzzy it gets. You go all the way back to the fifth century, the time of King Arthur, and it is mostly stories, not facts. That doesn't mean it is all false, it simply means that the specifics don't matter anymore.
Viv: That is interesting and all, but I can't help wanting to know about the future, not the past.
Merlyn: Why? They're both about the same.
Viv: No way. The past is all dirty with people rolling around in rags and guys killing each other with swords and dragons. You think there ever were real dragons? Not in the future though. The future is so cool with people flying around and buildings that go all the way to the Moon and you can watch movies... No, you can experience movies like you are really in them. I can be in "Meet Joe Black" and dance with Brad Pitt. I can be in "The Fight Club" acting all crazy and having wild sex with Brad Pitt. I can be in "Thelma and Louise" shooting guns and making out with Brad Pitt...
Merlyn: And then race over a cliff and die. But, it is true. A lot of things do change when scientists finally realize that there is no such thing as gravity.
Viv: Really? Then what keeps us from floating off into space?
Merlyn: A few things, like the thousand kilometers of air pressing down on you. Most people think it is just air, but it has mass and a thousand kilometers or so of it and you feel it.
Viv: (Looking up) I never thought of that.
Merlyn: Of course not. The few people around this time who have are considered idiots.
Viv: What about space travel?
Merlyn: There's nothing out there.
Viv: That's depressing.
Merlyn: Not really. If there was, what would we do? Humans cannot work with another species. They feel the need to be superior to all other species. Look, one of the brightest minds of this time is a man named Douglass Adams and he understood it perfectly when he pointed out that humans have always thought themselves superior to dolphins because humans have invented great things such as the wheel, New York, wars, and so on, while all dolphins do is muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely, dolphins have always thought themselves more intelligent than humans for precisely the same reason.
Viv: You're not a people person, are you?
Merlyn: Sadly, no. And you?
Viv: To be honest, this is the first conversation I've had in at least three years that has lasted more than five minutes without me making a fool out of myself.

MERLYN does not respond.

Viv: I haven't, have I?
Merlyn: Actually, you've taken all this in pretty well. Most people either ignore me or try to convince me to see their favorite psychologist.
Viv: I can see that. It is hard to believe that someone can live backwards in time. Honestly, I'm not sure I do believe it.
Merlyn: I'm not the only one. It happens here and there all the time. Most people like me never get the hang of it. Imagine starting all your conversations from the end and trying to figure out your way to the beginning. You start talking and you are certain what you said in the future, but what you said in the past is still unclear. Most people like me end up in a mental hospital somewhere or out on the streets muttering what sounds to everyone else like nonsense. Somehow, I just have enough intuition to get by.
Viv: That's so sad. You should contact Oprah. She does shows about people with weird problems to raise awareness and make everyone feel better that they don't have all those weird problems.
Merlyn: With Oprah's reputation, I'd prefer to not deal with her.
Viv: What do you mean? Everyone loves Opra... Oh. Something happens in the future?
Merlyn: You could say that.
Viv: What? Tell me, tell me, tell me...
Merlyn: Not now. (Checking his watch) You're going to be late for work.
Viv: Really? (Checks her watch) Thanks.

VIV greabs her things and starts to leave. She pauses and nervously tries to say one last thing to MERLYN.

Viv: Would you like... I mean... Oh, no. You won't, will you. I mean, we've only talked for a few minutes... Practically strangers...
Merlyn: Strangers? Is this the first time we've met?
Viv: Yes, of course.
Merlyn: Oh, my. I hate hellos.
Viv: Well, I would like to meet again, but you said you wouldn't go out on a date with me.
Merlyn: Are you sure I didn't say that I wouldn't ask you out on a date?
Viv: What if I asked you?
Merlyn: Absolutely. I'll be there. You'll be rather late, but I'll come early to make up for it.
Viv: You know when and where?
Merlyn: Of course.

VIV kisses MERLYN on the cheek and skips off to work. MERLYN watches her leave, then gathers his paper up and leaves in the other direction whistling to himself.

End