christopher shaun kainaw wagner

The Soap Opera

Not by Douglas Adams
A Play by CS Wagner
Copyright ©1999 CS Wagner.

Last Edit: 2004-04-10

If you so desire, you may perform this play royalty free. If you do so, I would greatly appreciate it if you email me.

STAGE

Window will be used to show passage of time. The light should be able to show three times: Morning/Evening (medium), Day (bright), Night (dark). Stars and clouds may be used to emphasize this effect.

Phone on desk should appear to have some sort of answering machine for Carmen's voice to be heard from. For full effect, a large speaker may be mounted into the desk for Carmen's lines.

This is a hotel room. Stage lights should appear to function by a switch by the door.

PROPS

Suitcase (full of clothing)
Full-size bar of Dial Soap
Tiny bars of Soap
Razor and Shaving Cream
Towels and Washcloths
Do Not Disturb Sign
Fruit Basket
Pencil and Paper

CHARACTERS

MR. BERMAN: A traveling businessman.
MISS CARMEN: Housekeeping Manager of the hotel.
DOTTY: The regular maid.
KATHY: The relief maid.
KENSEDDER: The Assistant Manager.

THE PLAY

Scene numbers are for rehearsal purposes. This is to be considered a 1-Act play.

SCENE: 1

Window light is at medium level.

Mr. Berman enters through Main Door with his suitcase. He turns the stage lights on. He places the suitcase on his bed, opens it, and retrieves a razor and shaving cream. He searches through the clothing a moment and triumphantly locates a large bath-size bar of Dial soap. He enters the bathroom. Many small items are heard dropping. Mr. Berman returns with three tiny Cashmere Bouquet soaps in his hand, some shaving cream on his face, and a razor cut on his face. He picks up the phone and dials the front desk.

BERMAN: Hello. Is this the front desk? This is Mr. Berman in room 635. I would like to leave a message for my maid. Ready? Ok. (In a dictating voice) Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and the other three (holding up the soap in his hand) that I am going to leave in the shower soap dish. They are in my way. Thank you.

Mr. Berman hangs up the phone and returns the soap to the bathroom. He takes the Do Not Disturb sign and hangs it on the outside of the door. He puts the suitcase sloppily on the floor, gets undressed, turns off the lights, and goes to bed.

SCENE: 2

Window light fades to black. Pause. Window light rises to medium level.

There is a knock at the door.

KATHY: (Through door) Maid service!

Berman slides out of bed, turns on the lights, and opens the door.

KATHY: (Smiling) Maid service.
BERMAN: (Referring to the sign on the door) This says Do Not Disturb.
KATHY: Oh, I know. Some people forget to remove them in the morning.
BERMAN: I really do not wish to be disturbed.
KATHY: I'm sorry, sir. I'll come back later.
BERMAN: No. Since I'm up, you can go ahead and do whatever you do. I will be in bed. Just turn off the lights and lock the door on your way out.

Berman returns to bed. Kathy takes a load of fresh towels, washcloths, and soap into the bathroom. She returns after a short time and cleans up the suitcase mess, leaving it neatly at the foot of the bed. If the room has a dresser, she may put the clothing away. She then nudges Mr. Berman awake.

BERMAN: Yes?
KATHY: I just wanted to let you know that I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today. The management has instructed me to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.

Mr. Berman grunts and motions her to leave. She puts the Do Not Disturb sign on the inside of the door, turns off the light, and exits.

SCENE: 3

Window light rises to full.

Mr. Berman wakes up, turns on the lights, and heads into the bathroom. He almost immediately storms out of the bathroom and picks up the phone to call the front desk.

BERMAN: Hello. This is Mr. Berman in 635. Did my maid get the message about my soap? Yes... Yes... Well, none of the soap was removed and there are three new bars of soap in my bathroom. I will be working late and I would like to return to a bathroom free of little bars of soap cluttering up the place.

Mr. Berman hangs up the phone, and looks at his watch - he is obviously late. He tries to get dressed quickly, but he has to locate the clothing that the maid moved. He finally turns off the lights and races out of the door.

SCENE: 4

Window light fades to medium and then to dark.

Mr. Berman returns. He enters, turns on the light, and heads over to the desk. He looks peculiarly at the phone - there is a message on the answering machine. He plays the message.

CARMEN: (The answering machine beeps) Mr. Berman, this is Elaine Carmen, the housekeeping manager. I would like to apologize for your soap problem. Your maid today, Kathy, was a relief maid. Your regular maid, Dotty, will return tomorrow and correct the problem. Should you need further assistance, please feel free to call me at extension 1108 between the hours of noon and 8 pm.

Mr. Berman rubs his eyes, places the Do Not Disturb sign on the door, gets undressed, turns off the lights, and goes to bed.

SCENE: 5

Window light rises to medium.

There is a knock at the door.

DOTTY: (From behind the door) Room Service!

Mr. Berman sits up startled. He turns on the lights and opens the door.

DOTTY: (Smiling) Room service.
BERMAN: (Holding the Do Not Disturb sign up to Kathy's face) Do you people understand what this means?
DOTTY: (Pushing the sign aside and entering the room with a new load of towels, washcloths, and soap) Certainly sir. I would not have disturbed you, but you apparently have a terrible soap problem that must be taken care of immediately.
BERMAN: Yes. Fine. Take care of it. I'm going to be in bed - sleeping.

Mr. Berman returns to bed. Dotty leaves the new supplies in the bathroom and returns to put Mr. Berman's clothes away. She puts the Do Not Disturb sign on the inside of the door, turns off the light, and leaves.

SCENE: 6

Window light rises to full.

Mr. Berman awakes, slides out of bed, and enters the bathroom. He returns almost immediately, picks up the phone, and calls the front desk.

BERMAN: This is Mr. Berman in 635. I would like to leave a message with my maid, Dotty. Apparently Kathy did not tell her about my note concerning the little bars of soap. When I got up today, I found she had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and I have brought my own bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, and so on. Please remove them.

Mr. Berman pauses just before slamming the phone down. He places it gently on the receiver, breathes deeply, gets dressed searching for his clothing again, turns off the lights and leaves.

SCENE: 7

Window light fades to medium and then to dark.

Mr. Berman returns. He notices messages on the answering machine and plays them.

DOTTY: (The answering machine beeps) Mr. Berman, this is Dotty, your regular maid. My day off was last Wednesday, so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps, as instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps that were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in last Monday. Please let me know if I can be of further assistance.
CARMEN: (The answering machine beeps) Mr. Berman, this is Elaine Carmen, the housekeeping manager. The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me that you called him this morning and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have talked to your maid, Dotty, about the situation. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between noon and 8 pm. Thank you.

Mr. Berman drearily puts the Do Not Disturb sign on the door, gets undressed, turns off the lights, and goes to bed.

SCENE: 8

Window light raises to medium.

There is a knock at the door. Berman answers it.

DOTTY: (Smiling) Room service.
BERMAN: Is there any point in putting this Do Not Disturb sign on my door? Every morning you people keep knocking and screaming Room Service!
DOTTY: I am so sorry sir. Many people forget to take the signs off their door in the morning and you told my manager that you were unhappy with my service, so I wanted to ensure that I got to your room first thing in the morning to see if there is anything that I can do to make you happier. But, if you really do not wish to be bothered, I will go and come back later.

(She turns to go.)

BERMAN: Don't go. Since I'm already up, please go ahead and take care of the soap in the bathroom. I just need to get some sleep. OK?
DOTTY: Certainly sir.

Berman returns to bed. Dotty takes a new load of towels, washcloths, and soap into the bathroom. She then cleans up Berman's clothes, puts the Do Not Disturb sign on the inside of the door, turns off the lights, and leaves.

SCENE: 9

The window light rises to full.

Mr. Berman wakes up, turns on the light, and heads into the bathroom. He screams and runs out, picks up the phone, and dials frantically.

BERMAN: This is Berman in... Yes, yes, the soap guy... No, I'm not satisfied with the situation up here! No, I cannot call Miss Carmen. I leave for work at 11:00 AM and don't get back until after midnight. That's the reason I keep calling you. Miss Carmen is not on duty and you are. Now, please help me. I asked you if you could do anything about those little bars of soap. The maid must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bathroom shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me?

Mr. Berman falls into the chair like a broken child. He hangs up the phone and notices his watch. He is late again. He rushes getting dressed and races out of the room.

Dotty enters shortly and removes the excess soap from the bathroom.

SCENE: 10

The window fades to medium and then dark.

Mr. Berman returns and instinctively checks the messages on the machine.

CARMEN: (The answering machine beeps) Your maid, Dotty, has been instructed to cease delivering soap to your room. She was sent to remove the excess soap as you requested. If I may be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between noon and 8 pm.

Mr. Berman smiles and starts giggling. He heads for the bathroom, pausing before the door as though he knows he is about to receive a great award. He enters. There is a pause. Loud noised come from the bathroom as things are thrown around. The razor and shaving cream come flying out of the door. Mr. Berman emerges from the bathroom terror stricken. He picks up the phone and dials the front desk.

BERMAN: (In a very steady, strained voice) My bath-sized Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room including my bath-sized Dial! (Losing his temper) Who took my bath-sized Dial!

Mr. Berman hangs up the phone and goes through the standard progress of going to bed: put sign on outside of door, remove clothes, turn off lights, get in bed.

SCENE: 11

Window light rises to medium.

There is a knock at the door. Mr. Berman sits up, fuming with anger. He stomps over to the door, slams on the light, and flings the door open. Mr. Kensedder is standing behind the door holding a large fruit basket.

BERMAN: What in God's name do you want!
KENSEDDER: I am Mr. Kensedder, the Assistant Manager. I have informed our Housekeeping Manager, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified today. Dotty, your maid, will be coming by in the afternoon so as not to interfere with your sleeping schedule. Please accept this fruit basket as a token of our apologies for the inconvenience.

Mr. Kensedder turns and leaves Berman holding the fruit basket, paralyzed with anger. He slowly turns, places the basket on the table, turns off the lights, and returns to bed.

SCENE: 12

Window lights rise to full.

Mr. Berman gets up, gets dressed, and leaves. Miss Carmen comes in and replenishes the bathroom. After she leaves, Dotty comes in, performs her normal duties replenishing the bathroom supplies and tidying up, then leaves.

SCENE: 13

Window lights fade to medium and then to dark.

Mr. Berman returns. He checks the answering machine, but there are no messages. He checks the bathroom. He comes out and very calmly picks up the phone to call the front desk.

BERMAN: (Screaming into the phone) Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in tonight and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here? All I want is my bath-size Dial. Please give me back my bath-size Dial.

Mr. Berman hangs up the phone and collapses on the bed without getting undressed.

SCENE: 14

The window lights rise to medium. There is no knock. The lights rise to full.

Mr. Berman wakes up and looks around. He notices that he is already dressed. He tries to brush out some of the wrinkles. He checks his watch and looks to the door, wondering why he was not disturbed that morning. He notices that the Do Not Disturb sign is on the inside of the door.

BERMAN: (Yelling through the door) Oh, I get it. The one morning I don't put the Do Not Disturb sign out there and you don't disturb me. Real cute!

He heads to the bathroom. After just looking through the door, he backs away and leaves for work.

SCENE: 15

Window lights fade to medium and then to dark.

Mr. Berman returns. He checks the answering machine.

CARMEN: (The answering machine beeps) Mr. Berman, this is Elaine Carmen, the Housekeeping Manager. I received your heated complaint from last night. First, you complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays that had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily. I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Dotty, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some economy-size Ivory, which I left in your room. I sincerely hope that this satisfies your particular soap requirements. Should you need further assistance, please call me directly at extension 1108 between noon and 8 pm.

Mr. Berman falls into the chair and is divided between the need to scream with rage and cry with frustration. In the end, he can only laugh somewhat maniacally. He picks up the paper and pencil and the desk and heads into the bathroom. He returns and places soap as described below on the table. He picks up the phone to call the front desk.

BERMAN: Hello, this is the soap guy. I would like to leave a short note just to bring Miss Carmen up to date on my soap inventory. As of today I possess: (reading from his list on the paper) On shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2. On Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3. On table - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 economy-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4. Inside medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2. In shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist. On northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used. On northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3. (He almost hangs up and then remembers one more note) Oh, please ask Dotty to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom windowsill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One more item, (He pulls a bath-sized bar of Dial from his jacket pocket) I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I will be keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.

Mr. Berman hangs up, and leaves the room to put his soap in the vault.

THE END