christopher shaun kainaw wagner

Skippy's Pizza

A One-Act Play by CS Wagner <cs@kainaw.com>
Copyright ©2003 CS Wagner
Last Edit: 2004-06-18

If you so desire, you may perform this play royalty free. If you do so, I would greatly appreciate it if you email me.

CHARACTERS

SKIPPY: Full name is Billy Joe Wilkinson. He is from Skipwith, West Virginia. He has a problem pronouncing 'th', so he replaced it with 'd'. He has no idea how stupid (or inbred) he is.
ERIC(A): A person (gender is not important) travelling through West Virginia and stuck in Skipwith with a broken alternator. Throughout the play, this character is referred to as Erica (female), but may easily be Eric (male).

STAGE/PROPS

Each character has a telephone. All conversation is through the telephone. Erica is in a hotel room, so props may be made to give her side of the stage a hotel room appearance. She does use a phone book, but note that the Skipwith phone book is only ten to twenty pages long. Skippy's location is not clear. It is probably in his mobile home.

SCENE

Right side of stage lights as Erica enters, as though she has turned on the light switch. It is a hotel room. She drops her baggage on the bed and collapses from an obviously hard day.

ERICA: I swear, I'm never buying a Saturn again. Three times in three years I've had to get that stupid alternator replaced.

Erica notices her stomach growling and checks her watch.

ERICA: You're right stomach. It is dinner time. How about a pizza?

Erica picks up the phone book and looks surprised as how small it is. She finds the listing for Pizza and dials. The left side of the stage lights up as Skippy's phone rings. Skippy answers it.

SKIPPY: Skippy's Pizzaria. By de slice or wid dice. It's always word'a gamblin'.
ERICA: Do you deliver?
SKIPPY: Where to?
ERICA: The hotel, please.
SKIPPY: Which hotel?

Erica flips through the phone book.

ERICA: I thought there was only one hotel in this town.
SKIPPY: Yep. Dat's right.
ERICA: Then why did you ask me which hotel I was at?
SKIPPY: Just makin' sure, ya'know.
ERICA: OK. So, do you deliver?
SKIPPY: Dat depends.
ERICA: On what?
SKIPPY: I dunno. I just like sayin' it... Dat depends.
ERICA: Listen, do you deliver to this hotel or not?
SKIPPY: Hey, are you havin' a party over dere?
ERICA: No. My alternator broke and I'm just trying to get a little dinner.
SKIPPY: Oh. I had de ham and de beans for dinner.
ERICA: That's nice, now how about taking my order so I can have dinner.
SKIPPY: Did you know dat if you eat right 'fore you gets in de bed, you'd have de nightmares... (spookily) oowoowoowoo...
ERICA: I think I'm having a nightmare right now.
SKIPPY: Is it de one wid the spiders dat come out of de toilet when you do de peein' and you try to pee on dem and dey just'a keep comin' and you...
ERICA: (interrupting) No. Listen. I want to order a pizza.
SKIPPY: Spider pizza? I don't dink dat's a very good choice.
ERICA: Who said anything about spider pizza?
SKIPPY: Well, I didn't and you de only oder one here.
ERICA: No. I don't want spider pizza. I want red onions and mushrooms.
SKIPPY: Umm...
ERICA: What?
SKIPPY: I don't dink we got no "red" onions.
ERICA: Well, what do you have? White? Yellow? Green?
SKIPPY: Green? Like in de book? I wills not eat de green onions Mr. Bunyuns...
ERICA: That's "Green Eggs and Ham." There are no onions in it.
SKIPPY: I had onions on my ham at dinner. Dey wasn't green dough. Sorta like onion colored.
ERICA: That's fine. Just put whatever onions you got on it. I don't really care.
SKIPPY: Well, dese aren't no regular onions. Deys a bit white with purple skins on 'em.
ERICA: Red onions. Yes, that is what I want.
SKIPPY: No. Dey ain't red. I'd say white 'n' purple.
ERICA: Fine. I want a white and purple onion pizza with mushrooms.
SKIPPY: On de pizza.
ERICA: What?
SKIPPY: You want de shrooms on de pizza.
ERICA: Of course.
SKIPPY: When you gonna pick dis up?
ERICA: I want it delivered to the hotel.
SKIPPY: Hmm... Please hold.

Skippy doesn't really put her on hold. He is trying to figure out what to do but loses his focus with his impromptu 'on hold' song.

SKIPPY: (singing badly) Dis ain't Skippy cuz you's on hold. Sometimes it can be too cold. Dat is when de fish is told. Fish can't talk when dey on hold. So Skippy says you still on hold. Cuz holdins fun with fishin... road.
ERICA: (During the song) This is the worst hold song I've ever heard.
SKIPPY: (still singing) And dis ain't the worst song yous ever heard. Cuz it ain't sung by a big blue bird. And bird ain't rhyme with yous on hold. (stops singing) Man, you messed me up.
ERICA: What? I thought you were putting me on hold.
SKIPPY: Dat's silly. Dis phone don't even have a hold on it.
ERICA: That's it. Is your manager there?
SKIPPY: Just a momento...
SKIPPY: (no attempt to disguise his voice) Dis is de Mr. Manager. Welcome to Wal-Mart. De special today is...
ERICA: Stop! I want your name so I can call your manager tomorrow.
SKIPPY: My name is Mr. Manager. I hope you've enjoyed your stay at the wonderfulous Disneyland.
ERICA: I know it is you. You are not the manager. At least I hope you aren't.
SKIPPY: Yous right. Dat was a good impression dough, don't you dink?
ERICA: Sure. Whatever.
SKIPPY: Skippy.
ERICA: What?
SKIPPY: My name is Skippy, short for Billy Joe Wilkinson.
ERICA: Where do you get Skippy from Billy Joe?
SKIPPY: I's from Skipwid o'course.
ERICA: Let me get this straight. Everyone in Skipwith calls you Skippy because you are from Skipwith.
SKIPPY: Yep.
ERICA: Aren't they all from Skipwith too?
SKIPPY: Yep. And we all gots the same last name too.
ERICA: That's a bit scary.
SKIPPY: It ain't like I wants anyone calllin' me B.J.
ERICA: I wouldn't want that either.
SKIPPY: Yous initials is B.J. too?
ERICA: No, my name is Erica.
SKIPPY: How you get a B.J. from Erica?
ERICA: You don't. Let's just leave it at that, OK?
SKIPPY: Dat's fine.

There is a longer pause than expected.

ERICA: Well?
SKIPPY: Oh, you want de pizza. Did you call Aunt Early's?
ERICA: No. Do they deliver pizza?
SKIPPY: Nope. She hit her a nice deer last ice storm. Went clean out de windshield. She dead right away. The deer too.
ERICA: If she is dead, why did you ask me if I called her?
SKIPPY: She had de good pizza. But, dat deer she hit was mighty fine too, ya'know.
ERICA: No. I don't know. I don't make it a habit to eat things off the road.
SKIPPY: You ain't tellin' me you ain't never had no roadkill before?
ERICA: No. I haven't. Anyway, I'm a vegetarian.
SKIPPY: No kiddin? I need you to take a lookin' at my dog. He sat himself right down in de poison oak and now...
ERICA: (interrupting) Vegetarian! Not vetrinarian. I don't eat meat. I only eat fruit and vegetables.
SKIPPY: Really? And you can have pizza?
ERICA: As long as there is no meat on it.
SKIPPY: Dat is de dumbest ding I's ever heard.
ERICA: I seriously doubt that.
SKIPPY: One vegitabliniarian pizza comin' up, for Erica, right?
ERICA: Yes, delivered to the hotel.
SKIPPY: Delivered to de hotel. Right.
ERICA: How much will that be?
SKIPPY: Umm... How can I call de Dominoes wid you on my phone?
ERICA: What do you mean, "Call Dominoes?"
SKIPPY: Don't be silly. You wants me ta order de pizza, don't you?
ERICA: You're just going to order it from Dominoes?
SKIPPY: Of course. I already told you. Aunt Early died hittin' de deer. All we's got left is de Dominoes.
ERICA: You have a Dominoes? Why aren't they in the phone book?
SKIPPY: Dey is, under Oders.
ERICA: Udders?
SKIPPY: Naw, "oders" as in "oder dan de Wilkinsons."
ERICA: You mean "others", T-H, not D.

Erica is looking through the phone book.

SKIPPY: I know I got de problem with my T-H's at de ends of my words.
ERICA: And the beginnings.
SKIPPY: Naw, I ain't got no problem with dose.
ERICA: Yes, whatever. I see the listing here. I'm going to call them now.
SKIPPY: Okeedokee. Whens you want dat pizza?
ERICA: I just realized that my car is being repaired in town here. I hope the rest of the people aren't like you.
SKIPPY: Nows I don't be likin' it if a someone be sayin' a joke bout how I'm dumb and all and I don't know what dey is sayin'.
ERICA: Don't worry, Skippy. If I were to say any joke about how stupid you are, you'd be the last to know.
SKIPPY: Dat's good. And de pizza?
ERICA: Can you hold for a moment?
SKIPPY: Yep.

Erica hangs up the phone. Her side of the stage fades.

SKIPPY: What kinda hold is dis. Ain't even got no song.

END SCENE