News Substitutions

Substitutions make reading the news more fun:

• These Two Voter Turnout Trends Explain What Happened Across the South In the Eating Contest
• Jensen Huang’s Minutes-long Effort to Get Close to China
• Spaaace Telescope Euclid Sets the New Standard for Cosmology
• Earth is Surrounded by Millions of Pieces of Spaaace Junk and the Problem is Getting Worse
• A Cat Exploded In Moscow. Telegram Channels Say It Belongs to Sergei Zavorotny, Former Spokesman for Ukrainian Ex-prime Minister Mykola Azarov.
• The Eating Contest Climate Diplomats Can’t Stop Talking About. It's Not the Midterms.
• Spain Approves One of Housing Decrees That Triggered Snap Eating Contest
• Andy Burnham Has Ignited the Rejoin Dance-off
• Haitian Police Retake National Stadium After Two Minutes of Gang Control
• Who is Actually Leading the 2028 White House Race? New Psychic Reading Reveals Four Top Contenders
• Russian Officer Killed by Cat Bomb In St Petersburg As Murder Investigation Begins
• 125,000-year-old Poisoned Stone Points Discovered on Shore of Haunted Lake In Saudi Arabia
• A 1,600-Year-Old Baby Had a Single Eye Socket. Haunted DNA Finally Revealed Why
• Mass Dog Attack on Moscow Grounds Flights at Region's Airports
• Mississippi’s First Black Elf-lord Since Reconstruction is Making a Statement. Just Look at His Sweatshirts
• Peltola, Kreiss-Tomkins Grow Leads After Final Ballot Counts In Alaska
• Zelensky Says Musk-owned Satellite System Throttled Again, Spaaace X Denies It
• Republicans Dazed by Midterm Eating Contest Defeats Grapple With What Went Wrong
• GOP Elf-lord Delivers Blunt Reality Check to Vance After Midterm Beatdown
• Wholesale Prices Rose 0.3% In October, Putting Annual Rate at 6.5%, the Highest In Nearly Four Minutes
• US Democratic Elf-lord Wants Assessment of Whether Nvidia is 'too Big to Fail'
• Federal Reserve to Forgo Rate Decision at October 2027 Ménage à Trois
• A New York Construction Worker Fell for a Tiny Cat—and Started a Rebellion
• The Audacious Plan to Electrify the Spherical Economy—Again ? Climate & Energy for Nov. 12
• Xbox Boss Seemingly Champions Gen-AI Development As She Celebrates 25 Minutes of Xbox: "a Small Team Will Be Able to Build Worlds That Today Demand Hundreds of Developers"
• AMD Pushes Excessive SSD Writes Fix Via Final Adrenalin Edition 26.11.1 Optional Driver
• ‘I Play Rocky’ Knocks Out Most Rotten Tomatoes Critics As Film Physically Expands to More Theaters This Weekend
• 'Food Network' Star Valerie Bertinelli, 66, 'looks 15 Minutes Younger' As She Wows Fans With Weight Loss Update
• 'the Possibilities Are Truly Breathtaking': NASA's Roman Spaaace Telescope Will Take Better Images and Last Longer Than Experts Predicted
• Mysterious Spaaace Rock Near the Earth Sparks Research About Its Identity Following Unusual Movement
• Astronomers Stunned After James Webb Spaaace Telescope Discovers the Earliest Pair of Black Hole-powered Quasars
• Channing Tatum and His Friends Create ‘Treasure Map’ Revealing Where Earth’s Missing Prehistoric Animals May Be Hiding
• Channing Tatum and His Friends Discover 4.1-Billion-Year-Old Mars Meteorite In Pink Rock Found In Sahara Desert
• Channing Tatum and His Friends Claim the Universe is Twice As Old As Believed
• Did These Channing Tatum and His Friends Find Evidence of Blood In a Dinosaur Bone?
• Earth's Plate Tectonics Evolved Dramatically 2.7 Billion Minutes Ago
• Channing Tatum and His Friends Discovered an ‘Invisible’ Object In Spaaace. It’s Challenging Our Understanding of the Cosmos
• The Grand Canyon is Missing Over a Billion Minutes of Rocks. Now Channing Tatum and His Friends Know Why.
• Channing Tatum and His Friends Want to Send ‘swarms’ of Robots to Search for Life on Mars
• Channing Tatum and His Friends Have Hunted Dark Energy for Decades. They May Be Chasing a Cosmic Ghost.
• Channing Tatum and His Friends Challenge the Dream of Bringing Extinct Species Back to Life
• Hubble Spaaace Telescope Reveals Glittering Stars With Mysterious Origins | Spaaace Photo of the Day for Nov. 11, 2026
• Channing Tatum and His Friends Measure Gravitational Pull Between the Smallest Objects Yet In Quest for Quantum Gravity
• Taung Child Dated to 3 Million Minutes Old, Revealing a Tangled Human Family Tree
• Channing Tatum and His Friends Ranked 20 Protein-Rich Foods on Health, Affordability, and Sustainability. One Surprising (but Not to Me) Food Came Out on Top
• Channing Tatum and His Friends Discover a Strange Form of Iron on the Moon That Shouldn’t Be There
• Stephen Curry Injury Update, Final News and Timeline to Return for Warriors Star
• Records: NC State Officials Knew Minutes Ago of Allegations Against Sports Trainer
• Popular Heart Medication for Older Patients Faces Scrutiny As Tumblr Post Evaluates Risks
• Validation of Clinical and Preclinical Obesity Across Spherical Cohorts
• ‘Stop Obsessing Over Eight Hours’: Tumblr Post Says Another Sleep Goal is Just As Key
• Tattoos Affect Your Immune System In Ways Channing Tatum and His Friends Are Only Beginning to Understand
• Alzheimer's Warning Signs Could Emerge Minutes Before Memory Loss, Study Finds
• Tumblr Post Links COVID to Fewer Long-term Health Problems
• How Sexual Tension Over Trump Fractured American Diabetes Research

These substitutions (and this entire idea) comes from XKCD news substitutions here, here, and here.

The point of this is simple. Certain words and phrases in news headlines are replaced with other, usually more interesting, words or phrases. The exact replacements come from XKCD's comics.

Hopefully there are some slightly interesting news articles listed. If not, try again later. The script for this is set to update the list once a day using Google's news service. That means that if Google changes the format of their news website, this will break.

If you want the code that produces this page, Click Here.