| Detective A: | An inept detective. May be any gender. |
| Detective B: | An inept detective. May be any gender. |
I-1-1
| SETTING: | An apartment. For black-box theater. All items on stage are mimed. Upstage Left is door. Stage Left is couch/TV stand. Center Stage is body. Stage Right is table. |
| AT RISE: | BOTH are at door. |
| DOOR | TV STAND | A U D I E N C E | |
| COUCH | |||
| BODY | |||
| TABLE |
(Into police radio) Dispatch. Unit 42 on scene. (To DETECTIVE A) What do we have?
Another day. Another apartment. Another murder.
I-1-2
Right, called in by a neighbor. She heard a gunshot and general commotion.
You must be new to this block. It's the cat lady. She's always calling in about (air quotes) general commotion.
I see, but this is simple. (With certainty) It was the wife. Case closed. Let's do lunch.
(While walking, dismissive) Are you sure?
Look, I know this is our first day working together. Just so you know, I've studied the motives and investigations of murders worldwide. United States? NCIS. Criminal Minds. Law and Order. Canada? Murdoch Mysteries. Coroner. England? Sherlock. Midsomer Murders. Father Brown. Ireland? The Fall. Dublin Murders. Australia? Miss Fisher's Murder Mysteries. Doctor Blake Mysteries. New Zealand? Brokenwood Mysteries. One Lane Bridge.
I get it. You watch a lot of television.
I-1-3
Death in Paradise. Murder She Wrote. Dead Loch. Twin...
(Interrupts, annoyed) Yes. A whole lot of television.
It's always the wife. They lead you to think it's a coworker or the maid or the neighbor's cat, but no! (Snap/clap) It's always the wife.
(Looking down at the body on the floor, center stage.) I think it is the wife.
So we agree.
No. It (Spreads both arms to show where the body lays on the floor, center stage) IS the wife.
(Leans in and squints.) Are you sure?
I-1-4
(Kneeling beside the body, mimes removing a pen from jacket pocket with right hand. Extends pen at arm's length toward the body, hesitates, then gently uses pen to lift/move something. Leans forward slightly to look, freezes, then quickly stands, turning away embarrassed.) Yes. Yes. It's the wife. It's certainly the wife.
(Quickly responds) Then it's the husband. It's always the husband.
Yes. The spouse.
No. (Beat) Spouse? Forget the neighbor's cat. It's the husband.
But, (looking around) there's only one body here, right?
(Points at the body on the floor.) One. (Looks around the room, holding up one finger, trying to count more bodies.) Just one.
What about the other murder scenes?
I-1-5
Where?
(Enthusiastic) There is blood all around the body here. (Points to the couch) Plenty of blood on the side of the couch. (Points to the table) Blood dots on the wall behind the table and... (Points to the door) More little blood dots on the wall near the door.
There's a word for that.
(Excited) Serial killer.
Spatter. They say it all the time on the murder shows. (Mimicking a television detective) We have blood spatter. Get the luminol. Hey, techie with glasses, I need a sample of that and that and that and, oh, especially that. Stat!
I'm telling you, we have a serial killer to find. So, you agree, four deaths and one body?
Of course, but where do we even start?
Isn't it obvious?
I-1-6
We start in her office at work! There's always a clue hiding in her bookshelves. Maybe a key to a storage unit with more bodies.
Hold it. I like the energy, but why don't we start at the beginning... where the serial killer husband came in.
(Looks around) The window? The chimney?
The door. (Points to the door) Look. It's wide open!
(Quickly walks toward the door.) It's like she was trying to get murdered.
(Walks to the door also, staying behind DETECTIVE B.) It's possible. Don't make assumptions. Keep your mind open.
(Leaning in to examine the door closely.) So, what do we know as fact?
Simple. The wife was murdered. Her husband did it - obvious psychopath. The neighbor's cat is looking very suspicious.
I-1-7
(Pokes his pinky at the door.) There's a small hole in the door here... (holding up his pinking and examing it like it is evidence) just the right size to be a bullet hole.
(Steps past DETECTIVE B and looks behind the door.) But, there's no hole in the wall behind the door.
If the door is opened against the wall, a bullet would easily go through the door and right into the wall.
Unless (slowly putting words together) the bullet was going the other way. (Walks to upstage center and turns to face the door.)
You mean someone was standing behind the opened door? (Stands behind the door)
But, who could be inside the room, standing behind the door with a gun?
(beat) The wife. (Walks back toward center stage and points at the body.) She's been there on the floor the whole time.
I-1-8
A ricochet, like that (airquotes) "wacky bullet" thing the JFK nuts always go on about. It explains that a bullet can easily change direction when it hits a person. (Traces the bullet's path through the air with his finger) So, it went through the door, hit the husband (mimes the bullet hitting himself), turned around, and went right back into the wall... (follows his finger along the wall next to the door and finds a hole in the wall) here!
That's amazing. It all fits. It's like we're on our own crime scene show. (Examines the door, using his index fingers and thumbs to make a frame to look through) Enhance!
Except she shot her husband and she's the one dead on the floor.
That's just a paperwork issue. We need to call this in and see if we have enough for the DA to prosecute her.
Just thinking... (Quickly steps to the body and leans over, examining it) I don't see a wedding ring on her finger. (Stands up and spins around, examing the room) The few photos are just her with some random friends. Maybe, now stick with he here, maybe there's no husband.
Don't even go there. I'm not writing up another death-by-ghost report.
I-1-9
Hear me out. If the husband isn't real, the serial killer must have been pretending to be her husband.
How would she be fooled by (beat) I got it! It was the husband's identical twin!
Yes. The old serial-killer-fake-twin-husband. This will be the most difficult case yet. We need to process the other crime scenes. The couch or the table?
Rock paper scissors?
Sure.
Tied three out of three.
I didn't take you to be such a match for my intellect.
You know what that means... (points to the couch) couch.
I-1-10
(Examines the couch, tracing the red stain, using his fingers in a circle to help focus his attention) I see blood on the arm, down the front... Wait! There's a lot more on the floor by this wine glass. (Stands and traces a line across the floor from the count to the table) And look at the trail!
(Squinting) A trail?
Yes! (Leaning over and walking to the table, pointing at each dot on the floor) There's a thin line of red leading right back to the table! The killer must have (mimics throwing a glass) thrown the glass or (walks back to the couch miming holding a glass, tilted, as he walks) trailed the victim's blood... (Suddenly leans in close, examining the wine glass on the floor) or wine!
(Pulls DETECTIVE B upright) Don't touch it. It might be a murder weapon.
The wine glass?
Happens all the time. I remember a guy was stabbed right in the eye with a broken wine glass... or was that a movie?
I-1-11
But, this glass isn't broken.
They could have glued it back together.
(Looks at the wine glass suspiciously) Wouldn't that be visible?
It's called "kind shoogy." Advanced Japanese stuff. They use gold to glue stuff back together and it's better than new.
So, she's married to a Japanese man... No... Think... I've got it! He took the broken glass and replaced it with a new glass just to throw us off.
Of course, replace the evidence to cover his tracks. (Leans in to examine the glass closer) But, how does it explain the blood inside the glass?
Inside? Really? (examining the glass on the floor) I see. It looks like... It looks like red wine.
I-1-12
Diabolical. (Walks through the motions while describing them.) He brings a bottle of red wine. He gets shot. He stabs someone with a broken wine glass. He pours himself some wine in a new glass. Drinks it. Leaves it here while taking the broken wine glass.
Perfect logic, but we don't have a body for this scene. (Shakes his head) We might need a second cork board when we stage all the clues back in the office.
Wait. It's too obvious. Look at how the wine glass is right there in the middle of the red puddle on the carpet. He wanted us to see the glass. He's trying to throw us off.
I bet his fingerprints aren't even on the glass. Wiped clean.
That leaves (BOTH suddenly stare at the table) the table.
Spatter on the wall. (Walks over and examines the wall closely.)
The plate on the floor is broken. It looks like a half-eaten burger and fries.
I-1-13
Why would he replace the broken glass, but leave the broken plate?
(Suddenly sees something on the wall, triumphant) He replaced the blood!
He what!?
(Pointing at the wall) That's not blood. That is tomatoes, fructose syrup, and (smells) a touch of vinegar.
It must be a specialized poison.
No. I recognize that color and texture anywhere. That is Hunt's ketchup.
Hunt's? Couldn't it be Heinz?
(Takes a sample with his finger and tastes it.) Absolutely not. Heinz is sweet, like breakfast cereal sweet. This is not sweet. This is ketchup flavored ketchup. It's Hunt's.
I-1-14
I think you're right. There's a bottle of Hunt's ketchup on the table. He must have left the cheaper brand here on purpose. This is a clue.
A clue indeed. Hamburger. Fries. Ketchup. This is a country girl. My money's on Omaha.
So, he's purposely giving us clues to how the two connect, somewhere in Omaha?
(Excited) He's taunting us! He's like Red John and Moriarty and Hannibal Lecter all rolled into one!
(More excited) Now you're talking my language! (Freezes, listening) What's that sound?
(Listens) I don't hear any... Wait. It sounds like a groan.
It's from the body. (Gets on one knee and places one hand on the body to reassure her) It's OK miss. You've been murdered by your husband, but we're about to solve the case and get you justice.
I-1-15
(Gets very low on one knee also and listens with one ear very close to the ground because the victim can barely whisper) She's saying... "Rubber..."
Rubber what?
(Strains to listen) It sounds like "rubber V," maybe rubber TV?
What's a rubber TV?
Wait... "Am... bo..."
Ambo-what? Is it the name of her secret Latin lover that she tangoed with at the White Rabbit when she was on that business trip in St. Martin last winter?
What business trip?
Oh, nothing. I don't know. It's just a thing people do, right? Business trips. White rabbits. Tangos.
I-1-16
(Interrupts and listens again) No! Wait... I think she's saying... "Lance."
Ambo Lance? A name? Lance Ambo? That sure sounds like a murdering serial killer fake-twin husband if I've ever heard of one.
Wait... (mimes picking up a phone next to the body) Her phone. (Stands and looks at the phone) She was dialing something before we came in.
(Looks at the phone also) Nine one. Is that a code?
Ninety-one? Lance and Ninety-one? (beat) What if it isn't Lance? What if it's (sounding it out) Lan... sss... (sudden realization) Lanes? 91 Ambo Lane!
An address.
This is exactly what I expected. She couldn't type the entire address here, so she saved the most vital clue for the last breath.
I-1-17
(To the body) You've given us plenty to work with, miss. (To the other detective) I doubt there's more she can give us. We should get her off to the hospital and check on her tomorrow. Maybe she'll know where the other bodies are.
(Into police radio, miming a handheld radio) Dispatch. This is unit 42 on scene. We're going to need an ambulance. (To other detective) To be honest, what I'm worrying about is where the rubber TV went.
(Snaps fingers) The murderer took the TV! Think. Fake husband. Fake wine glass. Fake blood. It was the one thing he didn't fake.
Exactly! We need to report a stolen TV immediately and contact the pawn shops.
A rubber TV.
The kind that bounce back.
A rubber TV...
I-1-18
...bounce.
(Mimics the action of a bullet bouncing off a TV and into the wall) The bullet. It bounced. The serial killer used the rubber TV to ricochet the bullet she fired from behind the door!
We need that TV. You report it. Tell them to focus on any pawn shops around 91 Ambo Lane.
But, how would she know the address of the pawn shop... (Snaps fingers, thrilled) I got it! She was giving us killer's address, not the pawn shop!
(Astonished) So she did know her husband all along.
(Miming into the police radio) Dispatch, alert on a stolen television. Have patrol check local pawn shops.
It's all come together like a Shihtzu and a Saint Bernard. I loved that little shiht-nard.
I-1-19
(Heading to the door with focus) Now we have a solid address from the victim, and we've alerted the authorities to the stolen evidence.
(Walking to the door, stopping BB just before they exit) Wait. For the report, let's keep it simple.
Good idea.
Found victim. Called ambulance. Identified missing TV. Reported theft to local pawn shops.
Perfect. Clean. Tidy.
(Looks back around the apartment and shakes head) It wasn't the wife and it wasn't the husband.
There's a first time for everything. (Turning to leave) You know, this would make a great television episode.