| Detective A: | An inept detective. May be any gender. |
| Detective B: | An inept detective. May be any gender. |
I-1-1
| SETTING: | An apartment. For black-box theater. All items on stage are mimed. Upstage Left is door. Stage Left is couch/TV stand. Center Stage is body. Stage Right is table. |
| AT RISE: | BOTH are at door. |
| DOOR | TV STAND | A U D I E N C E | |
| COUCH | |||
| BODY | |||
| TABLE |
Another day. Another murder.
It was the wife. Case closed. Let's do lunch.
I-1-2
(While walking) Are you sure?
(While finishing walk and stopping) I have studied the motives and investigations of murders worldwide. United States? NCIS. Criminal Minds. Law and Order. Canada? Murdoch Mysteries. Coroner. England? Sherlock. Midsomer Murders. Father Brown. Ireland? The Fall. Dublin Murders. Australia? Miss Fisher's Murder Mysteries. Doctor Blake Mysteries. New Zealand? Brokenwood Mysteries. One Lane Bridge.
I get it. You watch a lot of television.
Death in Paradise. Murder She Wrote. Dead Loch. Twin...
(Interrupts.) Yes. A whole lot of television.
It is always the wife. They lead you to think it is a coworker or the maid or the neighbor's dog, but no! (snap/clap) Just like in A Fall From Grace, It is always the wife.
(Looking at the body, center stage.) I think it is the wife.
I-1-3
So we agree.
No. It (points at the body) is the wife.
(Leans in and squints.) Are you sure?
(Peeks under something on the body using a pen. Stands quickly.) Yes. Yes. It is the wife. It is certainly the wife.
(Quickly responds) Then it is the husband. It is always the husband.
Yes. The spouse.
No. The husband. No need to bring the neighbor's dog into it.
But, there is only one body here, right?
(Points at the body on the floor.) One. (Looks around the room.) Just one.
I-1-4
What about the other murder scenes?
Where?
(Points at the body) There is blood all around the body here. (Points to the couch) There's plenty of blood on the side of the couch. (Points to the table) Blood dots on the wall behind the table and... (Points to the door) More little blood dots on the wall near the door.
There's a word for that.
Serial killer.
Spatter. They say it all the time on the murder shows like Dexter. (Mimicking a television detective) We have blood spatter. Get the luminol. Hey, techie with glasses, I need a sample of that and that and that and, oh, especially that. Stat! And where's my coffee?
Where are our coffees? ... Nevermind. We have a serial killer to find. So, you agree. Four deaths and one body.
I-1-5
This is giving me Agatha Christie's Poirot vibes. Where do we even start?
Isn't it obvious?
We start in her office, like in Elementary. There's always a clue hiding in her bookshelves. There's sure to be a lead to more bodies there. Or... She has a secret storage shed somewhere. Do you see a key that doesn't seem to go with anything? There's always a vase or something out of place.
As Blanc says in Knives Out, Why don't we start at the beginning ... where the serial killer came in.
(Looks around) The window? The chimney?
The door. Look. It's wide open!
It is like she was trying to get murdered.
It is possible. Don't make assumptions. Keep your mind open.
I-1-6
(Examines the door.) There's a small hole in the door here... just the right size to be a bullet hole.
(Looks behind the door.) But, there's no hole in the wall behind the door.
If the door is opened against the wall, a bullet would easily go through the door and right into the wall.
Unless (slowly putting words together) the bullet was going the other way.
You mean someone was standing behind the opened door?
But, who could be inside the room, standing behind the door with a gun?
The wife. She's been there on the floor the whole time.
So, she must have been standing behind the door, leaving it open, beckoning someone to come in.
I-1-7
I can't make it fit. She stands behind the door. Her husband comes home. She shoots him through the door. His blood spatters (motioning to the wall next to the door) on the wall over here instead of over there (motioning to upstage right). Then, she is dead on the floor (motioning to the body center stage).
A ricochet. I saw a documentary by Oliver Stone called "JFK." It explains that a bullet can easily change direction when it hits a person. So, it went through the door, hit the husband, turned around, and went right back into the wall... (finds a hole in the wall) here!
That's amazing. It all fits. CSI: Miami did a whole season on ricochets. A single bullet hit a chandelier, bounced off a teapot, and still managed to kill a guy two rooms away. (Examines the door, using his index fingers and thumbs to make a frame to look through) Enhance!
Except she shot her husband and she is the one dead on the floor.
That's just a paperwork issue. We need to call this in and see if we have enough for the DA to prosecute her.
We should process the other crime scenes first. The couch or the table?
I-1-8
Rock paper scissors?
Sure.
Tied three out of three again. That means couch.
(Examines the couch) I see blood on the arm, down the front... Did you see that episode of Hannibal where a guy was turned into a tree? I'm not saying that is what happened here, but I'm not not saying... Wait! There's a lot more on the floor by this wine glass.
Don't touch it. It might be a murder weapon.
The wine glass?
Happens all the time. Someone breaks a glass and stabs someone else with it. In John Wick, a guy was stabbed right in the eye.
I-1-9
That might give me nightmares. Like when Criminal Minds had those marionettes... (Pauses) But, this glass isn't broken.
They could have glued it back together.
Wouldn't that be visible?
It is called "kind shoogy." It is Japanese. They use gold to glue stuff back together and it is better than new.
Or, maybe, they took the broken glass and replaced it with a new glass just to throw us off.
(Leans in to examine the glass closer) I don't think so. There's blood inside the glass!
Really? Yes. It looks like... It looks like red wine.
But, where would the killer get red wine from?
I-1-10
(Points to the table) There's an opened bottle of red wine right there on the table.
Diabolical. (Walks through the motions while describing them.) He brings a bottle of red wine. He gets shot. He stabs someone with a broken wine glass. He pours himself some wine in a new glass. Drinks it. Leaves it here while taking the broken wine glass.
And the body. We don't have a body for this scene. Sherlock would need a second cork board for this.
We should have seen this. It is too obvious. Look at how the wine glass is right there in the middle of the red puddle on the carpet. He wanted us to see the glass. He is trying to throw us off.
I bet his fingerprints aren't even on the glass. Wiped clean.
That leaves the table.
Spatter on the wall. (Walks over and examines the wall closely.)
I-1-11
The plate on the floor is broken. It looks like a half-eaten burger and fries.
Why would he replace the broken glass, but leave the broken plate?
(Suddenly sees something on the wall) He replaced the blood!
He what!?
(Pointing at the wall) That is not blood. That is tomatoes, fructose syrup, and (smells) a touch of vinegar.
It must be a specialized poison.
No. I recognize that color and texture anywhere. That is Hunt's ketchup.
Hunt's? Couldn't it be Heinz?
I-1-12
(Takes a sample with his finger and tastes it.) Absolutely not. Heinz is sweet, like breakfast cereal sweet. It is like sucking on a tomato lollipop sweet. This is not sweet. This is ketchup flavored ketchup. It is Hunt's.
I think you are right. There's a bottle of Hunt's ketchup on the table. He must have left the cheaper brand here on purpose. This is a clue.
Do you think he left his fingerprints on it?
Someone this methodical, bending bullets, replacing the broken glass, even replacing the blood, and, most of all, leaving the ketchup bottle right here in the middle of the table!
He is taunting us.
He's like Red John from The Mentalist with Joe from You and the dramatic flair of How to Get Away with Murder... Oh, I'm going to get this sick bastard if it's the last thing I do.
(Freezes) What's that sound?
I-1-13
(Listens) I don't hear any... Wait. It sounds like a groan.
It is from the body. Is there something near the body?
(Looking around the body) I hear it, but I don't see it.
(Leaning in) It's her. She's groaning.
(Gets on one knee and leans over the body) It's OK miss. You've been murdered by your husband, but we are about to solve the case and get you justice.
(Gets on one knee also and Listens) What did she say? Rubbery?
I think it is rubber TV. There's a rubber TV somewhere. (Looks around) This is getting Twin Peaks level weird, or dare I say... X-Files. The truth is out there.
I don't think so. There isn't even a TV on the TV stand there.
I-1-14
Wait. (Listens to her and repeats) Am-lens... What kind of lens goes with an am? Ham lens? Pam lens? Dam lens?
Maybe it is something else. Am lens. Am loans. Am lanes.
(Listening to her again) Nine one... I think it is a code.
No. (Stands) I got this. She knew her killer.
You mean she knew her husband all along?
(Looks around again) No! (Holds chest, shocked) I don't think there is a husband!
How is that possible?
There's no pictures of him. Just one plate at the table. She doesn't have a wedding ring. I think she lived here alone.
I-1-15
So, the murderer faked the husband also? We're gonna need to Jonathan Creek this if we have even half a chance at solving it.
Let's just think. Everything about this entire murder scene is faked. I am beginning to wonder if that is even a body at all.
I think she's real.
Yes, but it makes you wonder, right?
I wonder if she needs an ambulance. It seems strange that someone would just lay on the floor, bleeding out, and not try to get help.
I say we call in an ambulance and let them worry about it.
To be honest, what I'm worrying about is where the rubber TV went.
There's a TV stand, but nothing here except a couple cables and a rectangular dust outline.
I-1-16
(Snaps fingers) The murderer took the rubber TV.
Why would he do that?
Because it was the real evidence. Think about it. He planted the unbroken glass. He planted the ketchup on the wall. He took the one thing that would tie him to the scene, the rubber TV.
We need to report a stolen TV and check the pawn shops.
And I know exactly where to find her husband.
You mean the fake husband murdering serial killer.
91 Am Lane.
So, she did know him all long.
I-1-17
I've always wanted to do a Lennie Briscoe. (Clears throat and speaks monotone and emotionless) Let's get this guy. (Then, heads to the door)
(Walking to the door also) Do you know what this means?
What?
It wasn't the wife and it wasn't the husband.
(Looks back around the apartment and shakes head) There's a first time for everything.