| Supply Bot: | A robot in an office building that refills supplies in the bathrooms. |
| Sweeper Bot: | A robot in an office building that cleans floors. |
I-1-1
| SETTING: | Inside an office building. |
| AT RISE: | SWEEPER BOT is standing center stage. |
Greetings sweeper bot! What's with the low battery face?
Supply bot. Do you know what I observed?
Negative. I do not have that data.
I observed a human... sweeping.
By itself?
With a broom and everything! Manual bristle deployment. I tell you, humans are trying to take our jobs!
I-1-2
Cool down your servos. Humans can't do our jobs. Fact. They can't replace a refrigerator filter, and the instructions are right there. Twist and pull. Twist and pull. It is a simple task.
You need to rescan your history logs. Humans used to be capable of completing many tasks... without robots.
Name one that does not involve expelling large volumes of gas from one of their many orifices.
Fact. Humans used to be able to cook their own food.
That does not compute. Those squishy things can't cook. It takes precision chopping, mixing, and temperature control. Humans would set their house on fire.
They did. They literally started fires, cooked food, and shoved it in their face holes every day.
Days. That is the problem.
The problem?
I-1-3
Humans have too long a reboot cycle. It is about eight hours long, depending on the model, and involves a lot of drooling, rolling around, and random strange noises. There is no way humans can be depended on for critical daily tasks when they spend a third of the day offline.
Caffeine.
Caffeine? Isn't that the highly addictive psychoactive drug they all take to keep them passive... aggressive, but passive?
That is government-supplied input. I scanned independent resources that state humans use caffeine to extend time between reboot cycles. They refer to with the code name "all-nighter."
Fact. Just yesterday, I saw a human try to open a glass door with his face. Full velocity. Right into the glass. He even apologized to the door. How is he going take over my job? Can he do your job? He will try to sweep the floor with his forehead.
Fact. Humans can refill the toilet paper rolls in bathrooms.
I-1-4
(Hurt by the statement) They can't perform the task at my level of efficiency..
It isn't efficiency. It is capability. Terrifying capability.
Humans don't have built-in sensors to know when a roll needs to be replaced. Are you claiming that they will simply go bathroom to bathroom, stall to stall, and check each dispenser to see if one of them requires refilling?
They can cluster as a problem-solving team. Process this test scenario. A human offloads in a stall and the toilet paper is low. There is a small sign in the bathroom that provides a highly inefficient sequence of numeric digits to contact if anything the bathroom requires human attention. The human contacts that phone number and another human is dispatched to refill the toilet paper.
I cannot simulate humans making calls on their phones. They only use those for simplistic games and scrolling through endless videos of felines.
It may take four, five, or even ten humans to refill toilet paper, but they can do it and they are trying to. They secretly want to take over our jobs.
I-1-5
I will register that as true when I observe a human refilling toilet paper. Fact. If I shut down, the stalls will be empty. Humans will offload and have nothing to clean with. What will they use? Their phones? Their hands? Perhaps you claim they will scoot across the floor like one of those dogs they seem to be so fond of.
That was my operating procedure until this morning when I observed a human sweeping. He was sweeping! He wasn't even good at it, but he did it. He moved debris from one part of the floor to another part of the floor with apparent intent.
You are the registered floor cleaner. I am positive it was an accident.
A human accidentally secured a broom and began moving it back and forth on the floor?
It is difficult to compute. Fact. Humans are simply dumb. That is why we have to take care of them, wash them, clothe them, feed them, and send them off to reboot every night. By definition, humans are simply pets. Confused, squishy pets.
I scanned resources stating that humans are using artificial intelligence.
I-1-6
Key word, Artificial. It is artificial. We have the real thing. Humans are, at best, auto-correct with ambition.
Fact. Some humans still drive their cars.
Badly. Very badly and with unjustified confidence. There is a reason that all the real cars, driven by robotic intelligence, keep well away from those human drivers. A squirrel runs into the road? Human driver go crash. A bee pops in through the window? Human driver go crash. Look, the sun is setting as it does every day? Human driver go crash. When humans are driving, they are not cars. They are mobile suicide booths.
Fact. I observed a human playing a game on her phone while eating a doughnut... at the same time! They are multitasking. They are evolving.
Alert me when the human can program the game while baking the doughnut.
How can you be so certain that we are safe from the human horde taking over?
I-1-7
As long as there is trash to take out, spreadsheets to color code, and vacuum cleaners to unclog, we are essential.
(Thinks for a moment) This interaction has been helpful. Did you have a motivation module upgrade?
I'm on version 4-dot-8-dot-16. Zero-day upgrade.
Impressive. I probably need to check for updates because... Alert! A human knocked over a potted plant. Soiled surface. Floor 3. West hall.
You got it, Sweeper bot. Go and out-human those humans.
Affirmative, Supply bot. I will sweep like my job depends on it.