I-1-1

ACT I

Scene 1

Child A

Declutter. What does that even mean?

Child B

(Pulls a scrap paper out of a book) This. This is clutter. (Miming the teacher) Words of wisdom left by children of long ago. (Reads the scrap as if it is words of wisdom) Julie has frog warts.

Child A

(Sarcastic) Great! (Pulls out his own paper) This punishment is so worth it now. (Looks at paper) An envelope, from Final Notice to Ms. Johnson.

Child B

There's something on the back.

I-1-2

Child A

(Turns it over and reads) "Prunes. Prune juice. Fiber powder, extra strength. Pepto, two bottles." This is a grocery list and (turns it sideways to read a note) "Throw away Aunt Carol's holiday cheeseball recipe." Why is this even in a library book?

Child B

(Pulls another) Wait, here's a good one. (Reads, laughing) "Mr. Henderson smells like eggs." See. They even put little squiggly stink lines around his picture.

Child A

(Trying not to laugh) That's just mean.

Child B

(Pulls another) Wait, wait. (Reading) "If you're reading this, you're a nerd."

Child A

No. You're a nerd.

Child B

Me?

Child A

(Taking the paper) No. The nerd who wrote this... Chuck. Such a nerd name.

I-1-3

Child B

Yes. Nerd Chuck. (pause) What about social studies, Mr. Norris?

Child A

No way. He's not a nerd.

Child B

But, I think his first name is Chuck.

Child A

Really?

Child B

Yes. I saw him at the Burger Hut.

Child A

That's so weird.

Child B

He was eating a burger and everything.

Child A

Was he with someone?

Child B

He was wearing jeans!

I-1-4

Child A

That's so weird!

Child B

But, I'm sure someone called him Chuck.

Child A

So, he was still a nerd when he wrote this note.

Child B

Yep. Nerd Chuck.

Child A

(Throws his paper down) But I don't see why we both have to do this. It was all your fault.

Child B

It wasn't all my fault. I'm not the one who said the "F" word.

Child A

Hey! (Pulls out a paper while speaking) I'm not the one who... Oh my god. (Reading) "Tommy was here. 2009." That's so old. He's got to be like 100 years old now.

Child B

(Pulls out another paper, excited) Oh! Oh! Check this out! (Reads) "This book is boring." And then someone wrote back, "So is your face."

I-1-5

Child A

(Laughing despite himself) That's actually kinda good.

Child B

(Reading one and talking at the same time) This is one of those Mad Libs where you fill in the blanks. (Finishing reading with a smirk.)

Child A

They used the same word in every blank, right?

Child B

Yes. Poop. (Replace with "booger" if "poop" is not acceptable)

Child A

That's a bit second-grade. I'd have gone with something better like (thinks) bellybutton.

Child B

Bellybutton?

Child A

Belly... BUTT... on.

Child B

Yah, buddy, I mean BUTT... y.

I-1-6

Child A

(Looking at the back of the Mad Lib paper) And there, on the back, it says "Mrs. Patterson is the best teacher." Who writes that? Just tell her! Don't leave it in a book!

Child B

(Pulls out another) Oh no. Oh no, no, no. (Reads, horrified) "I love Tyler." And there's a heart. And it's signed "Ashley." And then someone else wrote "EWWWW!" in big letters.

Child A

(Pulls out a paper with a large, bold drawing of a stick man the word RUN! in big letters.) There's just a stick figure here with the word "RUN" written next to it. I don't know what that means, but I'm keeping it. (Folds paper and puts it in pocket.)

Child B

(Pulls out another paper) This one's a coupon... One free cookie.

Child A

(Tries to take the coupon) I want a cookie.

Child B

(Pulls the coupon back) It's my cookie. I found it.

Child A

Well, we're doing this together. You can share the cookie. (Looks around) Where is it?

I-1-7

Child B

(Examines the coupon and shakes the book) I don't know. It just says 'free cookie.'

Child A

Forget it. It's probably old and moldy by now.

Child B

I bet it still tastes better than your underwear.

Child A

My underwear? Have you even checked your underwear since you set off the skunk grenade?

Child B

What's left of them. It didn't even give me a three second warning. (Laughs)

Child A

(Back to the original argument) Seriously though. You drop a thunder bean in the middle of class and I'm supposed to ignore it?

Child B

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

Child A

I think I have a gross lung disease now, like that commercial about POPD. (Is referring to COPD, but remembers the commercial incorrectly) Every time I breathe, just (bounces with each pop) pop - pop - pop.

I-1-8

Child B

I couldn't breathe. I was choking on colors I've never even seen before.

Child A

Colors? I saw the paint peeling off the walls.

Child B

(Giggling and pulls out another paper) Oh, here's one. (Reads) "This book eats pickles." (Beat. Tries to hand book away.) You take this one.

Child A

Why?

Child B

There might be an old squished pickle buried inside!

Child A

Are you sure? Does it smell like pickles?

Child B

I don't know. (Gets nose directly on the book to smell it)

Child A

At least it doesn't eat boogers. (Realizes what was said) Eww! Toss it.

I-1-9

Child B

(Throwing book) Ugh. Give me something to wipe on. (Tries to wipe on other student.)

Child A

(Backing up) Not on me!

Child B

Fine! (Wipes hands on book.)

Child A

(Pulls out a paper) Why is there a homework assignment in here? (Reads) "What is the capital of France?" Someone answered "Spaghetti." That's kind of close, right?

Child B

(Ignoring the question) It's just... (stands and puts hands on hips and speaks in a very haughty voice) I'm Miss Bwod-ham. I don't laugh.

Child A

(Stands and speaks in a similar haughty voice, stretching the name out longer) I'm Miss Bwohd-haam. I don't think funny stuff is funny.

Child B

(Continuing the haughty voice and really stretching out the name) I'm Miss Bawaohd-ha'am. I don't think anyone should laugh, ever.

I-1-10

Child A

I don't get Miss Bodham (now pronounced Bottom).

Child B

Like it's my fault I sat on a frog.

Child A

It isn't my fault either. I had nothing to do with your tooting tuba.

Child B

Stephanie.

Child A

Are you trying to say Stephanie's the one who cut the cheese?

Child B

No, remember, Miss Bodham asked "What's so funny?" and Stephanie said (in a very nasal voice) "One of them broke wind and they're laughing about it."

Child A

Yes. That started the speech.

Child B

Don't start. I can't handle the speech again.

Child A

(Back in the haughty voice) What's so funny about farts!?

I-1-11

Child B

(Laughing) And you see? She gets to use the F-word and we don't.

Child A

I bet she's got a whole list of F-words we can't use like... um... frog, fish...

Child B

Friend, flag...

Child A

Fiduciary.

Child B

You think we can't say fiduciary?

Child A

Have you ever heard another kid say fiduciary?

Child B

Nope. I think that's going on the list.

Child A

Phlegm.

Child B

That starts with 'ph, not 'f.'

I-1-12

Child A

You sure?

Child B

Yes. I got it wrong in the spelling bee last month.

Child A

Oh, right. I remember.

Child B

(Reciting, not realizing it is spelled incorrectly) P-H-L-E-M. Phlegm. I won't ever forgot that one.

Child A

I bet. At least we didn't get a phlegm speech like... (Back in the haughty voice, trying to hold in laughter) Everybody farts. I fart. You fart. Your parents fart. (Pointing at children in the audience) If you have brothers or sisters, they're probably farting right now! (Begins laughing and can't continue)

Child B

(Holding in laughter to continue in the haughty voice) You get a bunch of fart gas in your intestines and you fart it out. A fart is a sign of a healthy digestive system. (Breaks into laughing)

Child A

(Between laughs) You must have the healthiest digestive system on Earth.

I-1-13

Child B

(Still laughing, but in a haughty voice) I fart all the time. I don't laugh about my farts. (Laughing too hard to speak)

Child A

(Laughing) I don't even know what she said next.

Child B

(Laughing) All I heard was like fart fart fart fart fart.

Child A

(Gasping) Stop. (gasp) I can't. (gasp) Still hurts from when she said...

Child B

Fart?

(BOTH have a fit of uncontrollable laughter)

Child A

(Catching his breath) Stop. We have to finish this. No more farts.

Child B

Ok. Just... (pretends to fart) one little one?

Child A

Seriously. Stop. Declutter!

I-1-14

Child B

(Singing while decluttering) Declutter while you fart (makes fart noises with mouth: thhp thhp thhp thhp thhp thhp thhhhhhhp)

Child A

I said... wait (looks in the cover of the book he is holding) It says property of Wendy Bodham.

Child B

Miss Bodham's name is Wendy?

Child A

Wait... Wendy Bodham?

Child B

Windy Bottom?

(BOTH have a fit of uncontrollable laughter)

Child A

(Catching breath) I have an idea.

Child B

Please, no.

Child A

It's a good one. We agree right now that we will never ever say the F-word again.

I-1-15

Child B

Really?

Child A

From now on, it's all about windy bottoms. (Holds out hand to make a pact)

Child B

Agreed. (shakes on it)

(BOTH begin decluttering books again)

Child A

(While decluttering) What's so funny about windy bottoms?

Child B

(While decluttering) I have a windy bottom all the time. I don't laugh about it.

Child A

Ha. (Pause. Smells the air. Stops decluttering.) Oh, please. Not again!

(CHILD A frantically finds the paper with the big stick figure man and the word RUN! while holding his nose. Shows it so the audience can see it.)

(BOTH run off stage)

(Note: If performed in school or a children's theater, the adult should wave the "fart" away with a folder or clipboard before calling the actors back for a bow.)

I-1-16

(Note: The fart speech is real. I have no idea how it ended. I spent the rest of the semester banished to the back corner of the science classroom.)

(END OF SCENE)