| Child A: | An elementary school child. May be any gender. |
| Child B: | An elementary school child. May be any gender. |
I-1-1
| SETTING: | Elementary School. |
| AT RISE: | A and B are on stage. Each has a stack of books. The books have various notes and doodles written on scrap paper, left between the pages of the books. Throughout the scene, A and B remove the scrap papers from the books the throw them in a waste basket, placing the books in the "decluttered" stack. |
Declutter. What does that even mean?
(Pulls a scrap paper out of a book) This. This is clutter. (Miming the teacher) Words of wisdom left by children of long ago. (Reads the scrap) Julie has frog warts.
(Pulls out his own paper) Great. This punishment is so worth it now. (Reads) Mrs. Johnson's grocery list. Milk, eggs, bread... who puts a grocery list in a library book?
(Pulls another) Oh, here's a good one. (Reads, laughing) "Mr. Henderson smells like cheese."
(Laughing) That's just mean.
I-1-2
(Pulls another) Wait, wait. (Reading) "If you're reading this, you're a nerd."
(Looks at B) We're reading it.
(Shrugs) Well, that checks out.
(Throws his paper down) But I don't see why we both have to do this. It was all your fault.
It wasn't all my fault. I'm not the one who said the "F" word.
Hey! (Pulls out a paper while speaking) I'm not the one who... Oh my god. (Reading) "Tommy was here. 2009." That's so old. He's got to be like 100 years old now.
(Pulls out another paper, excited) Oh! Oh! Check this out! (Reads) "This book is boring." And then someone wrote back, "So is your face."
(Laughing despite himself) That's actually kinda good.
I-1-3
(Pulls out another paper, puzzled) What is this? (Reads) "Draw a rectangle. Now make it three dimensions. You just made a cube." Wait, that's like, actually kind of smart.
(Pulls out his paper) Mine says "Mrs. Patterson is the best teacher." Who writes that? Just tell her! Don't leave it in a book!
(Pulls out another) Oh no. Oh no, no, no. (Reads, horrified) "I love Tyler." And there's a heart. And it's signed "Ashley." And then someone else wrote "EWWWW!" in big letters.
(Pulls out a paper with a drawing) There's just a stick figure here with the word "RUN" written next to it. I don't know what that means.
(Pulls out another paper) This one's a grocery list too. Apples, oranges, bananas, milk... why's there so much food in these books?
(Back to the original argument) Seriously though. You drop a thunder bean in the middle of class and I'm supposed to ignore it?
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
I-1-4
Have you checked your underwear yet?
What's left of them. (Laughs)
I think I have a gross lung disease now, like that commercial about POPD. Every time I breath, just pop - pop - pop.
Really. Even I couldn't breathe. I was tasting colors I've never even seen before.
I saw the paint peeling off the walls.
(Pulls out another paper, distracted) Oh, here's one. (Reads) "This book eats pickles." There better not be an old squished pickle buried in here!
(Pulls out a paper) Why is there a homework assignment in here? (Reads) "What is the capital of France?" Someone answered "Spaghetti." That's not even close.
It's just... (stands and puts hands on hips and speaks in a very haughty voice) I'm Miss Bwod-ham. I don't laugh.
I-1-5
(Stands and speaks in a similar haughty voice, stretching the name out longer) I'm Miss Bwohd-haam. I don't think funny stuff is funny.
(Continuing the haughty voice and really stretching out the name) I'm Miss Bawaohd-ha'am. I don't think anyone should laugh, ever.
I don't get Miss Bodham (now pronounced Bottom).
Like it's my fault I sat on a frog.
It isn't my fault either. I had nothing to do with you cutting the cheese.
Stephanie.
Stephanie's the one who blew the tooting tuba?
No, remember, Miss Bodham asked "What's so funny?" and Stephanie said (in a very nasal voice) "One of them broke wind and they're laughing about it."
I-1-6
Yes. That started the speech.
Don't start. I can't handle the speech again.
(Back in the haughty voice) What's so funny about farts!?
(Laughing) And you see? She gets to use the f-word and we don't.
I know, right? And that was just the beginning. (Back in the haughty voice, trying to hold in laughter) Everybody farts. I fart. You fart. Your parents fart. If you have brothers or sisters, they're probably farting right now! (Begins laughing and can't continue)
(Holding in laughter to continue in the haughty voice) You get a bunch of fart gas in your intestines and you fart it out. A fart is a sign of a healthy digestive system. (Breaks into laughing)
(Between laughs) You must have the healthiest digestive system on Earth.
I-1-7
(Still laughing, but in a haughty voice) I fart all the time. I don't laugh about my farts. (Laughing too hard to speak)
(Laughing) I don't even know what she said next.
(Laughing) All I heard was like fart fart fart fart fart.
(Gasping) Stop. (gasp) I can't. (gasp) Still hurts from when she said...
Fart?
(Catching his breath) Stop. We have to finish this. No more farts.
Ok. Just... (pretends to fart) one little one?
Seriously. Stop. Declutter!
I-1-8
(Singing while decluttering) Declutter while you fart (makes fart noises with mouth: thhp thhp thhp thhp thhp thhp thhhhhhhp)
I said... wait (looks in the cover of the book he is holding) It says property of Wendy Bodham.
Miss Bodham's name is Wendy?
Wait... Wendy Bodham?
Windy Bottom?
(Catching breath) I have an idea.
Please, no.
It's a good one. We agree right now that we will never ever say the f-word again.
I-1-9
Really?
From now on, it's all about windy bottoms. (Holds out hand to make a pact)
Agreed. (shakes on it)