I-1-1

ACT I

Scene 1

(CLERK enters.)

Sales Clerk

May I help you?

Customer

I'm here to pick up my cake.

Sales Clerk

Can I get a name for the cake?

Customer

Phillips, with a P.

Sales Clerk

Of course... let me look. (Clerk searches a while) I don't see it here.

Customer

I was told it would be ready today. It is for my dog.

Sales Clerk

Your dog?

I-1-2

Customer

Yes, Stupid.

Sales Clerk

Excuse me?

Customer

No. My dog. We called him Stupid.

Sales Clerk

Really?

Customer

Well, his name was Steve, but he was nothing but trouble, so we called him Stupid.

Sales Clerk

Steve? Yes. I remember that cake.

Customer

I'm sure you would.

Sales Clerk

I had to ask to make sure it was correct. Who would put something like that on a cake?

Customer

Well, he always made us laugh because he was so stupid, so I thought it would be funny.

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Sales Clerk

We certainly got a laugh out of it.

Customer

It just came to me: (Mimics reading the words off a large cake) Steve. You were always stupid, but we put up with you until the end.

Sales Clerk

Yes. That's the one.

Customer

I just wanted to give everyone one last laugh from Steve before we bury him in the yard.

Sales Clerk

You will like it. Allison added a little grave and with a tombstone in the corner and then Jaylen got the idea to add a little pile of dog poop on the grave.

Customer

Oh my, that is perfect. It is so Steve.

Sales Clerk

You know, I wish I knew Steve. I bet he was a great dog.

Customer

No. Not at all. That's the point. We loved him, but we hated him just as much. You know how it is with family.

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Sales Clerk

I certainly do. Don't get me started on my sister Janet.

Customer

I won't.

(They stare silently.)

Customer

So, do you have the cake?

Sales Clerk

Yes. The cake. I didn't see anything here. Let me check the back.

Customer

Of course.

(CLERK leaves for a minute and then returns with a cake box that has a receipt taped to it.)

Customer

Is that it?

Sales Clerk

Yes. It looks like things just got moved around a bit. I have your receipt here on the box: (reading) Phillips. Stupid Steve. Double-layer chocolate with cream icing. Paid.

Customer

Perfect. Thank you so much.

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Sales Clerk

You are very welcome.

(CUSTOMER begins to take the box.)

Sales Clerk

You should check it first, just to make sure we don't need to make any corrections.

Customer

Oh. I didn't think of that.

Sales Clerk

(Opening the box) So, what to do you think?

Customer

(Reading the cake) Happy Birthday Steve.

Sales Clerk

Happy what?

(They both stare at the cake.)

Customer

Does this mean that Steve got...

Sales Clerk

I'm afraid so.

I-1-6

Customer

I'm so sorry.

Sales Clerk

Is it bad that I really wish I was at Steve's birthday party today?

Customer

No. Not at all.

(END OF SCENE)